You know the end is near when...

... the trailer for the next installment of the Twilight saga has come out.

Oh dear. I feel a rant coming on.

Let’s start with the books. The fact that the series is called the Twilight ‘saga’ makes me vomit a little. It causes these teenybopper books to sound like a masterful account of biblical proportions. Which they are not.  And it also makes them sound a little bit refined and maybe even sophisticated. Which they most certainly are not. 

The books are a phenomenon. Why, I’m not quite sure. I’ve read them (OK, only the first one... but that was enough), and I sure don’t get why everyone’s in such an uproar. But then again, I’m not a female. However,  I have a theory as to why they’re so popular:

I think a couple hundred girls across the U.S. got paid by their parents to check out a book from the library and read it. Reluctantly, these girls went to the library (to the ‘Teen’ section, duh!), closed their eyes, reached out their nail-polished fingers, and picked the first book their hand touched. Which just happened to be Twilight. (Why, oh why, could it not have been To Kill a Mockingbird or Catch-22?) Now these girls had hardly read anything before, much less anything thought-provoking and substantive. So when they started to read about Bella and Edward and more about Edward and all about Edward, they swooned.

Then these few hundred girls told their friends that there were these things out there called books (Can you believe it? You read them!) and that this one called Twilight was sooooooooooo amazing. And like, it’s just like the best book I’ve ever read! And Edward! Oh, Edward! If only boys these days were like him!

And so on.

Thus sparked the fad that is Twilight. Now as you’ll recall, fads are bad. That’s so easy to remember, because it rhymes. FADS are BAD. Plaid shorts, cliches, Twilight, etc. All fads. All bad. 

What is most alarming to me is that fact that several of my friends who, for the most part, I would deem ‘intelligent,’ have bought into the same ridiculous delusion: They fell for Edward Cullen, and they fell hard. 

When I read the first book (one of my close intelligent friends told me it was really good and that I should read it, and I actually trusted her opinion at the time), I was with it for a while. I liked the whole ‘angsty’ feel that played out in the first few chapters. It wasn’t groundbreaking by any means, but it captured the teenage years fairly well, I thought. 

But then the cliches set in... the parents who were divorced... the dad who didn’t relate to his daughter... the boy who wouldn’t talk to the girl (in Chemistry, of course)... the girl who wasn’t good at sports or anything in particular, yet the hottest vampire in the world was attracted to her... the stereotyping of the American Indian as a loon...

You get the idea. Unless, of course, you’re a thirteen year old girl.

And then I about lost it. Halfway through the first book, there is an entire chapter devoted to Mr. Cullen’s physical perfections. Oh yes, men. Believe it. His toned muscles, his rippling chest, the way his abs practically pop out of his shirt, the way he smells, his radiant white teeth, and oh, that hair. That hair! 

Once again, vomit.

Yeah, I’m a guy. And I shouldn’t like it. But why do I feel like the only one who understands that these books aren’t particularly well conceived or well written, that the characters have one dimensional personalities (Edward may be hot, girls--but he has zero points in the personality department), and that most importantly, just because every other person in the world loves them doesn’t mean I should have to?

I admit that I didn’t see the movie. Why would I? I knew it would be a waste of money that could be going to make brilliant independent French films about the meaning of life. And then they threw together the sequel in a matter of hours just because they knew it would make another trillion dollars at the box office, no matter how horrible it turns out to be. 

Sigh...

You can disagree with what I’ve said. You’re wrong, but you can disagree. You may even be one of those intelligent girls who reads the books just for entertainment and pleasure. But those aren’t good enough reasons for me.

If you really are intelligent, you’ll be entertained by Eliot and Brecht, not by Edward and Bella.

Buyers beware!

I went to the mall yesterday. Mistake number one. And for some reason, I felt compelled to go into American Eagle. Mistake number two. 

I made both of these choices for a couple of reasons. One, I need clothes. That's why I went to the mall. Second, the stores that I usually shop at are ridiculously overpriced, and I finally have enough self control to refuse to buy things from those stores. That's why I went to AE. It's not too pricey, and sometimes you can find an article of clothing that doesn't look like it's just been hit by a truck. But that's rare.

I walk in, and as is customary at most stores, I was greeted by an employee. I nonchalantly returned the hello and went on perusing. 

And then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her: the over-zealous, trying too hard, acted like she was paid on commission employee. She was my worst nightmare. 

If you know me, you know I don't like most people. People just annoy me, and I prefer to stay away from most of them.

And just by the looks of her, I knew that she absolutely loved people, especially people who were shopping in the store that she worked for.

I tried to escape. Honest, I did. But the cat was quicker than the mouse, and she soon had me in her fiery throes, ready to pounce at any moment.

"Can I help you find anything?" 

Wow. That voice. She really needs to work on NOT sounding like Rachael Ray. And don't EVER ask me that question. If I needed help I would come and get you lady, but probably not.

"No, I'm just looking, thanks," I said. I even said thanks! I'm doing so well, given the annoying situation I'm being held captive under.

"Well, my name is Laura, and let me tell you about some of the deals we're having right now at American Eagle. First, if you're a linen guy, all of our linen shirts are on sale for... "

And on and on she went. Do you recall me saying "No"? And why do I care that your name is Laura? You didn't even ask me for my name! And yes, I know that I'm at American Eagle. And linen? Are you kidding me right now? I'm not looking for bed sheets, woman. She rattled on for a couple more months while my eyes started to glaze over.

I understand that Laura might be required to do this to every victim that walks into the prison without bars that is American Eagle. But that's what I don't get. Has anyone ever asked a worker for help with their shopping, besides the occasional, "Do you have this in my size?" Please tell me if you have, I'm dying to know. It's courteous of employees to ask, yes. But it's also unnecessary, and it could save that worker a lot of breath if she didn't have to repeat this mantra 24/7.

Those workers. They're always on the lookout, you know? They can't stop looking at the entrance, eagerly waiting the arrival of new customers whom they can pester. They may be folding clothes, but notice how they are constantly looking up in between shirts to see if anyone else has entered the premises.

Most shoppers decline a worker's help because they have two eyes and are competent enough to shop on their own without the help of some yuppie 16 year old girl who has gone tanning one too many times.

In my opinion, a mall should be a sacred place where one can come apart from the everyday hum-drum of life and spend lots of money on nice things. But pleasant experiences just aren't meant to be, especially when Laura enters the equation.

All I want when I go to the mall is a little time to myself, away from the troubles of my life, apart from the Lauras of the world.

And by the way, I didn't buy anything. Especially nothing that was linen in material.

Embrace your thinness

What's up with our culture's obsession with thin people? It's crazy how many people act like it's a sin to be skinny. You would not believe the number of times that my weight gets brought up in conversations with people.

But yet they don't get the fact that I like being really thin. 

Oftentimes, they go on the offensive. They'll talk to me as if I didn't know I was so thin. But the worst is when they act all sympathetic toward you, as if you had a disease or something. 

"You are so thin!" 

Yep.

"So have you tried to gain weight? I mean, you practically are a walking corpse."

Yes, I have. And no, I'm not. Have you ever seen a corpse? Definitely not me.

"Have you gone to the doctor?" (That's my favorite... I've actually gotten asked that at least twice.)

Go to the doctor because I'm not morbidly obese? That seems kind of oxymoronic.

"How are you going to get a girl, let alone protect her, with that body of yours?"

Psh. If a girl's so shallow that she's going to base her dating decisions on my body type, she can go suck a tree.

And on and on it goes. I'm actually starting to get offended by such questions. Why even bring it up? Are they trying to make me feel insecure? Because it's not working. Yeah, I'm self-conscious about certain things, but my weight is nowhere close to being one of them.

But I struggled with it at one point. That was, until I learned to embrace my thinness. You know, I tried to gain weight for a while. I got a home gym for Christmas a few years back, and was pretty consistent in working out. Diet was another area that I tried to work on. But I soon found out that some people don't have the ability to gain weight, no matter how hard they try, just as many people attempt to lose weight, but are unsuccessful. I seriously eat like a horse sometimes, but I can never gain an ounce.

Nowadays, I love being thin. I love the very idea that I am one of a select few who have God-given body types that are very skinny. I love that fitted suits look awesome on skinny people. I love that we don't have to worry about working out 24/7 and buying clothes that show off our muscles. I love that the world thinks we hate our bodies. 

And on a side note, I love that a celebrity (besides Lindsay Lohan and Mary Kate Olsen) has come alongside us 'thin bodies' to support us in our cause. Dev Patel, the star of the amazing film Slumdog Millionaire, may even be thinner than me. But does he care at all? Of course not. And does he have a girlfriend? Yes. And I think she's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. So there, Brad Pitt. Who needs your body as a spokesthing for looking gorgeous? I have Dev Patel on my side. And he can actually act.

Too bad for all those naysayers out there. Because I love my skinny self. All 138 pounds of me.