Buy, Strip, Listen.

I'm an old-fashioned guy. I don't have a cell phone (gasp!), nor do I have any need/desire to get one. I read the newspaper most every day (remember what those are? Or were?). And I still pine for the days when the world was a polite and beautiful place to live in, free from electronic clutter and the rudeness that ensues therein.

But perhaps my greatest post-modern downfall comes from my desire to keep the Compact Disc alive and going strong. Call me crazy, but I love going to Barnes & Noble and buying a CD or two, taking them home, inserting them into my CD player (it's a Bose, don't worry), and listening for hours on end.

I've never been able to get into the whole 'online music' ordeal. Like they say, seeing is believing. And I must have a hard copy of that disc in my hand in order to listen contentedly. This sounds quite OCD, I know. And I think it is. 

But a few experiences that I've had recently may force me to give up all faith in CDs. You know where I'm going with this: It's all about that stupid packaging. 

Why, oh why, must they take my Sinatra anthology and give it to some evil machine that takes my CD into its monstrous folds and wraps it up strategically to make sure that no one will be able to open it without first contemplating taking their own life?

   

I guess the evil machine's argument would be that he prevents theft, right? I mean, you wrap that CD up in such an impossible way that no one will be even tempted to steal it. But who are they kidding? People steal CDs because they love music and because they can't afford it. A piece of plastic wrapping is not going to stop anyone from getting their dose of Lady GaGa.

But that wrapping protects the CD, right? Yeah right. It's like .0000043 millimeters thick, and it's clear, and I'm pretty sure that when you drop a CD case on the floor, it will break regardless of its protective surroundings.

I have probably wasted a third of my young life biting, scratching, and gnawing off those wrappings. And then when I finally do get it off, I'm not even halfway there to getting my CD out: The case is taped together.

Again, I just don't get it. One thief-resistant method is not good enough, so we need two? The tape always says something like "Pull Here." Pull what? The tape is so strongly fastened to the CD case that you need the jaws of life to get it off.

So what should we do about this problem?

Solution #1: You can buy one of those cheap $0.99 shenanigans that are supposed to help you get the wrapping off, but will most assuredly break before you even buy the CD of your choice.

Solution #2: Our friend from the wonder that is YouTube teaches us all how to save our lives by . . . what exactly is it that he is doing to that CD case? It's like he's molesting it. And I do not want my CDs to be molested. But I do like his enthusiasm. I haven't yet tried his method, but if he's doing it on YouTube, you can count on it working every single time . . .

Solution #3: Boycott CDs. But please, I beg you, don't. They need us!

Solution #4: Use the jaws of life, and then post a video of yourself on YouTube, instructing us all how to do it. You will be my hero.

Solution #5: Steal CDs. This will get our message of intolerance across to all of those who think that protective wrappings are the key to decreasing the crime rate.

Solution #6: Contemplate taking your own life. Then do it. (But please only use this as a last resort, if at all possible.)